A few years ago, I was in Paris enjoying one of my favorite activities, window shopping. Strolling in a neighborhood with many small and interesting stores, one display caught my eye. In this window was a beautiful nesting doll, a symbol of fertility in Russia. Normally, I’m used to seeing these dolls with just a few pieces nesting inside –- perhaps 5 to 8. The doll in this window must have had well over 60 pieces, which is many more than I could have imagined possible.
This elaborate and intricate work of art seems to be a fitting metaphor for the promise God gave Abraham and Sarah, a promise they didn’t have the power to imagine. It’s also a way to expand our understanding of the promises God gives to us.

God had promised Abraham and Sarai not only a son, but a much bigger family. That family would be more numerous than the stars in the sky, blessed by a covenant that would cover descendants generation after generation:

God took him outside and said, “Look at the sky. Count the stars. Can you do it? Count your descendants! You’re going to have a big family, Abram!” Genesis 15:5 MSG

How many of us can relate to the amazement and hope Abraham must have felt when God gave him the promise of a child? There is something so powerful and compelling about having children. In Abraham and Sarah’s time, children were tied closely to social status and security — to be childless was to be vulnerable. While the social norms are different for us, the hope and longing is familiar. Having children guarantees sleepless nights and up close and personal encounters with challenges that range from messy to heartbreaking, yet that’s not enough to dissuade generation after generation to take the plunge.

The promise of a son for Abraham and Sarah was so riveting, in fact, that they were tempted to make having children an end in itself. In their case, their longing for a child year after year turned into taking matters into their own hands. Sarah, impatient with waiting to become pregnant, had Abraham sleep with her maidservant Hagar. While we may not immediately be able to relate to that twist in the story of Abraham and Sarah, it’s not hard, for me at least, to understand their actions. I often made my children into the be all and end all. My children and their well being have, at times, become the most important thing I was living for. Perhaps others can relate to this as well. It’s common for people to feel adrift and empty at the end of child raising, as if God’s purpose for their usefulness has ended with that phase of life. It’s as if we received and opened a beautiful nesting doll from God and then closed a chapter of our story. Whatever our story, we too may be able to relate to fiercely wanting a gift from God, and then getting so wrapped up, getting exactly what we want, that we lose perspective.

Back to the 60 plus layer nesting doll I saw in that Paris shop. Imagine receiving that doll as a gift and beginning to unpack the layers — one after another after another. That’s what God’s promise of descendants to Abraham and to us, through faith, is like. Just like Abraham and Sarah, we want to focus on what’s easy to understand and expect — at least one or two, maybe three or four children. God has so much more for us. If you have never had children, if you are hoping for children who have not yet come, or have raised them and now contemplate a new season in life, God’s promise to us is so much bigger than we can grasp or imagine. He promises to bless many through our faith, and there is no limit in time or circumstance when He can work through us.

Application

Imagine receiving a beautiful nesting doll from God and beginning to unpack the layers inside. How has God worked through you to bring a blessing to “descendants” — literal or figurative? What season are you in at the moment? Is it full of promise for children or are those days for you reaching an end? Did you hope for a season of children that has not come yet or that you were not at all able to experience? Pray for wisdom and faith to see how God can expand your vision of His promises and work through you whatever your circumstances or life stage.

Navigating family life with grace and consistency was a never-ending challenge for me. I was a stay-at-home mom, and setting a family vision and its implementation fell on me. There were so many moving pieces — including, but not limited to: Metaphorical baggage, literal baggage, personalities, quirks, finances, extended family, pets, chores, learning styles, love languages, friends (or lack thereof), vacations, technology, and school. The one constant were the questions — “Will we or won’t we survive this endless summer and/or school year?” And “Did I feel totally rested two or three decades ago?”

It’s not that I wasn’t trying to learn how to do better as a parent and wife. Given the “Rube Goldberg machine under construction” nature of parenting in our home, advice I heard in church didn’t help. Put God first, your spouse next, then church!” Put on your oxygen mask!” “Plan regular date nights!” What I heard was “Do more!” What I needed was a total overhaul, not bumper sticker “worthy advice”.

Now that it’s established that I have lots of experience and no helpful advice, let’s consider some passages from Scripture. I do think I would have done a better job and been less stressed if I had understood and been able to implement spiritual direction.

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26 The Message

• Parents are not supposed to devote all of their energy and attention toward family members, either their spouse or children. Only Jesus deserves being the number one priority; our love for family members cannot usurp that place. I think that’s an amazingly liberating idea.

Jesus said, “The first [commandment] in importance is, ‘Listen, Israel: The Lord your God is one; so love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.’ And here is the second: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ There is no other commandment that ranks with these.” Mark 12:30-31 The Message

• This passage reiterates what was said in Luke, and adds a twist — “Love others as well as you love yourself.” I suppose each one of us may find half of that command difficult. I fall on the side of loving others more than myself, a great recipe for depletion. It’s not only pragmatic and smart to love oneself, it’s also commanded. Whether we find it easier to love others or to love ourselves, we need to be reminded by this passage that healthy life, marriage, and parenting require that the loop gets closed.

Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. “Honor your father and mother” is the first commandment that has a promise attached to it, namely, “so you will live well and have a long life.” Ephesians 6:1-3 The Message

• Loving our children well requires that we remember what our relationship with them is supposed to look like. The relationship between parents and between parents and their children is very different from what we normally see. The parent child role is supposed to be one of teaching and honor. Compare this to the relation between parents, which is defined according to mutual submission, love and respect. I see this as parents setting the tone and example in the family, together, for their children.

Application:

As you read these passages, which stand out to you? Rather than comparing how badly or well your family relations compare to these verses, just take time to ask God for wisdom and direction as you participate in family life. Ask the Holy Spirit for strength and understanding as you relate to your spouse and teach your children.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:21-33

This passage has often been used as a blueprint for gender roles in Christian marriage. It has also been used to reinforce preexisting cultural norms, rather than subjecting those norms to biblical scrutiny. In my opinion, these approaches do not capture just how revolutionary this passage is meant to be for Christian marriage. If we can get some distance from how this passage applies to us and just take the time to think about what Paul is saying, we may be more receptive to its message. I believe one way we can get a fresh start is to think about how different Paul’s view of marriage was for an audience in the Ancient World.

In both Ancient Roman and Jewish marriages, husbands ruled over their homes. In Roman marriage, men controlled the property. Men had absolute control over children and, to a lesser extent, their wives. Households were “under” the husband’s “hand. In Jewish marriages men controlled the family and were “lord” and “master” of the house. The wife was expected to “help” him by providing children. The will of the husband was binding on the whole family.

Marriage based on Mutual Submission: Marriage in the Ancient world was based on fixed gender roles that wives and husbands played, Paul begins this passage on a very different note — a call to mutual submission. Submission is an attitude rather than a formula or set of rules to follow. Submission is such a loaded word — to me, anyway, it connotes: setting aside one’s free will and good judgment. I wonder if this passage would make more sense if “submit to one another” was replaced with “serve one another”.

Marriage based on love:  Paul then goes on to zoom in on what “submission” means for a husband, and that is to love his wife. I wonder if this is Paul’s instruction for men in the Ancient world as a correction for the cultural view that a man was to “rule” his household. Rather than being something like the CEO of his home, a Christian husband was being told to act with love:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

Marriage based on respect:  I once attended a seminar called “Love and Respect”. The premise was that Paul commanded men to love their wives because love is what wives need. Similarly, he commanded that wives respect their husbands. That didn’t make sense to me because men and women both need love and respect. I have an alternative idea. What if Paul commands wives to respect their husbands because that was not a trait that Ancient marriage cultivated? If men had the absolute right to rule their homes, I can imagine that wives had very little incentive to be respectful — except as they were forced to be.

Marriage that’s “All In”:  Ancient Roman and Jewish marriages involved conforming to traditional norms. Christian marriage involved a spiritual dimension that required action based on thought and inward reflection. Paul is not creating a checklist of duties for marriage partners; this passage requires much more.

Application: Compare your view of marriage to the Roman, Jewish, and Christian standards. What can you learn about yourself?

Do we not all have one Father? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our ancestors by being unfaithful to one another?

Judah has been unfaithful. A detestable thing has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem: Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the Lord loves by marrying women who worship a foreign god. As for the man who does this, whoever he may be, may the Lord remove him from the tents of Jacob—even though he brings an offering to the Lord Almighty.

Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.[d] So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. Malachi 2:10-16 NIV

Throughout the Bible we see God working toward an extremely high standard for our broken world and fragile relationships: shalom (peace) – His kingdom coming to earth – He does so through covenantal relationships between Himself and people and between people. While God is absolutely Holy, the people He works through are fragile and flawed. Covenants are relationships that embrace God’s holy standards and our weaknesses.

I won’t pretend to be an expert on the differences between a contract and a covenant. However, I believe the gist is this:

A contract is a legal agreement that is broken when the rules are broken by parties to it.
A covenant is a pledge meant to be maintained even if the parties to it violate their commitments.

Like the relationship between God and his people, marriage is a covenant designed to endure for the long haul and to withstand stress, and even become stronger with testing.

What does this mean for us as we work toward God’s holy standards through the messiness of our marriages? There are no easy answers or neat lists of techniques for understanding how we are to live within the covenant of marriage. One thing is certain, that understanding requires a level of wisdom that can’t be found by reading books or successfully having navigated other types of relationships. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread – I’m going to propose some explanations but am not posing as an expert!

Covenants keep the long term in mind: While contracts are fairly black and white, covenants are designed for long term relationships and are able to tolerate more ambiguity. Every misstep is not grounds for termination/divorce.

Covenants mean our actions matter: While covenants are better able to handle missteps and mistakes, the parties’ actions still matter. It is clear from the passage in Malachi that God detests unfaithfulness to covenants. A covenantal relationship like marriage is not something one party can take for granted, leaving all the burden of maintaining the commitment on the other — both parties need to be committed.

Covenants — Are they perpetually valid? This is a subject that is way beyond my pay grade. We know that God has extremely high standards for covenantal relationships, but there are grounds for breaking them. In what circumstances does the Bible allow divorce? Is adultery the only permissible way out of a harmful marriage? Is it enough for only one spouse to be all in in a marriage? Or do both have to take responsibility for being “all in”?