Anger at God has been hard for me to understand. I've been angry at the church, the world, and other people… but God? I've realized I've been angry with God, but haven't been able to see it. Looking back, I've also realized that being angry with God wasn't wrong; it was a painful and perhaps inevitable stage that made me who I am today.
The idea of being angry with God has always seemed so foreign to me. Being angry with God because I couldn't understand His ways made as much sense as anger with Shakespeare because his plays are hard to understand. My lack of comprehension was my problem. I've also understood anger too narrowly. For me, impulsive anger and long and brooding bitterness are both aggressive. I've realized anger can also be manifested in withdrawal: feeling let down, humiliated, distant, untrusting. Finally, is it appropriate to be angry with God? Alex said he was told it wasn't. I wasn't held back by a "should" but by fear. If the One who is supposed to be good and in charge seems neither, it feels safer not to challenge Him.
Here's what I've struggled with: I've gone through periods when I've been overwhelmed and wondered why God hadn't given me more direction. For all the times I've experienced the Holy Spirit's leading, I've also been through long dark times of downward spirals. In those times, I've lost trust in God. And while I've been praying, reading my Bible, meditating, I've held Him at arm's length. I've fallen into all the pitfalls that my background had perfectly prepared me for feeling very, very lost. I've struggled to see the opportunities I could have taken. Couldn't He have better equipped me?
I've never wanted to relive my twenties and beyond; but my struggles and anger weren't wasted. It was only when I realized that my lack of trust in God was destructive, and that it was showing up as anger directed at myself (and everyone around me), that I had to stop. I had to let go of "could, woulds, and shoulds". and just live, doing my best in my circumstances – even if my best was mediocre. From where I stand now, I have realized the outcome of being found in salvation – though feeling lost in the middle, yet now, fully found; which is what has given me compassion and strength I couldn't have gained through smooth sailing.
Application: Meditate on the "Serenity Prayer":
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
by Sherry Sommer
