Reconciliation by definition is: Restoration of friendly relations with another person. In the Bible it means: The restoration of a broken relationship, particularly between humanity and God, or individuals who have become estranged from each other.
But, sometimes reconciliation is not possible or advisable. It's important to distinguish the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is a personal choice to let go of anger, resentment and bitterness and it can be offered even if reconciliation cannot take place.
Below are some of the reasons why reconciliation may not be advisable:
Abuse: Physical, sexual or emotional where it would not be safe or healthy to reconcile a relationship.
Deception and Manipulation: The other person is consistently dishonest, manipulative, always blaming others and unwilling to take responsibility for their own actions.
Toxic Behavior: Continuing patterns of behavior that are harmful or destructive such as addiction, anger issues, and emotional instability.
Fear and Anxiety: The constant feeling of walking on eggshells so as to appease the other person in order to be safe around them.
As I look at the above list, I recognize some of what was happening to me as a child living with my father's sister and her husband. My parents were dead and my sister lived with our mother's side of the family in New Mexico. My uncle was a good friend for me to grow up around, but he was unable to protect either of us from my aunt. She was a large, strong woman and she physically and emotionally abused us both, especially when she was drunk. My uncle could escape and drive somewhere, but couldn't take me, so I was stuck. There were times I was afraid for my life when she was drunk and no one else was there.
To make a long story short, the only thing that kept me going was that I was permitted to go to church with our neighbors, because my aunt didn't want them to know what was happening at home, although they were aware of what she was like. I moved out on my own when I was 21 and only my uncle knew where I lived. He died a few months after I moved. I had minimal contact with my aunt for several years after that.
After my husband, Phil, and I got married in 1965, my aunt began to realize that I had protection and she couldn't get away with abuse. Over the years she began to change, particularly after our children were born as she wanted to be allowed to see them. She stopped drinking and eventually quit trying to manipulate us when she found she couldn't get away with it. During the last few years of her life, we had a restored relationship and could really enjoy each other. She died in 1975. I am forever grateful that, by God's grace, we were able to reconcile our relationship.
Don't repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. Romans 12:17-19 NIV
Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."
Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good. Romans 12:17-21 MSG
by Carolyn Schmitt
