Imagine the horror Cain felt. Just a few minutes earlier, there was a blind rush of fury as he carried out his plan to attack his brother. For a brief moment, there was satisfaction. But now Abel’s body lay lifeless, bleeding on the ground. The shock he must have felt that he had done what he had only imagined. The permanence of the act, the stillness of his brother’s body – after the rush of the murder subsided, the feeling of shame and guilt rising must have felt unbearable.
He must have whirled around to see if anyone else saw it. His eyes must have darted in all directions. And it was his own guilt that caused him to see murder in the eyes of others. It was knowledge of his own capacity for violence that made the world feel strange and violent to him now.
Cain said to the LORD, “My punishment is more than I can bear. Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.” Genesis 4:13-14 NIV
Many of us, like Cain, have been that restless wanderer. How does one face the fear of acknowledging deep sin? How does one gain the strength to recognize it in our own hearts, instead of looking for it in others? How does one ever come home again?
A good example comes from Simon Peter. He saw himself as the best, the most loyal disciple. He was one of the few who would lay down his life for the Lord. But when the moment came to demonstrate that, as he warmed himself by the charcoal fire – he was quick to deny Jesus. Not once, but three separate times.
How did he find his footing again to become the very rock upon which the Church was built? First, he saw clearly what a horrible mistake he had made, and wept. Next, he accepted the deep love of Jesus. And third, he acted on his new understanding. Thousands of years later, we tell the story of Peter, of his courage and humility at the end of his life. He had truly developed into one of the most loyal disciples – but it took a lifetime of practice.
Recognizing our shortcomings and sin is the way to address fear. That doesn’t mean living in shame, replaying the mistakes over and over. If there is shame, consider it a sign of progress that we have gained the strength to hold it up and look at it. Our continual redemption that comes from Jesus gives us the strength to try again – but to do it better this time. And trusting in God’s mercy, and the redemption process, gives us a softer heart to look at the world.
by Carie Grant
