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How Do You Really Feel?

Antidote To Shame

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. – 1 Peter 4:8

This week we have focused on the emotion of shame. We discovered that shame is one of the most destructive emotions. It’s not as simple as guilt because it has to do with our identity as persons. So the question is, what do we do with the shame we feel? The answer is simple and complicated at the same time. We must find a way to be in the presence of love. Love is the antidote to shame.

Why is that so difficult? There is a prerequisite to being truly loved, and it requires a bravery that many people never discover. That prerequisite is vulnerability. You cannot be loved with a healing kind of love if you have not first been vulnerable. If you are not vulnerable, you will never know if the other person loves you for who you indeed are. Do they love you, or do they love the masks you wear? The only way to know is to take off the mask. That, too, is difficult because it requires enough self-awareness to realize you are in hiding. Vulnerability is a prerequisite to being loved with a healing kind of love.

Today, set aside a few minutes to watch this helpful Ted Talk about vulnerability. Ask yourself, am I allowing others to love me for who I am? Finally, remember that once you are embraced with true love, you can begin to heal your shame.

Antidote To Shame2022-03-14T08:29:39-06:00

SHAME OR GUILT?

You’re driving home after midnight and the light at a major intersection is interminable. You look around to see no police car or camera and run the red light. You boast on Facebook about making healthy food choices but keep a stash of Peeps for emergencies. More seriously, if you committed a high impact misdeed such as taking financial advantage of a vulnerable person, would you feel shame for your behavior, or would you feel guilt?

If you were a psychopath you’d feel neither — you’d have a cauterized conscience (I Timothy 4:1-2). But for the rest of us, guilt stems from what we have or haven’t done, while shame penetrates who we are. Guilt is the result of action or neglect that is more easily isolated. Shame worms its way into our very existence.

As we studied the Lord’s Prayer, we also observed Jesus’ parable of the unforgiving servant and found it absurd we could pay back debts owed to God (Matthew 18:21-35). So claiming forgiveness that Jesus has provided on the cross relieves us not only from the wrongdoings or omissions He rightly brings to our attention, but also from digging around for endless minutiae.

Shame goes deeper. Shame invades the essence of our core identity, irrespective of our actions. Shame can also be produced from evil another has perpetrated. One Biblical example, 2 Samuel 13, is the excruciating account of the rape of Tamar, the gorgeous daughter of King David, by her stepbrother Amnon. After he raped her, Amnon (a possible psychopath?) rejected her:

And Amnon said to her, “Get up! Go!” But she said to him, “No, my brother, for this wrong in sending me away is greater than the other (the rape) that you did to me.” But he would not listen to her. He called the young man who served him and said, “Put this woman out of my presence and bolt the door after her.” (2 Samuel 13:15-17 ESV)

The narrative continues:

“Her brother Absalom said to her, ‘Has Amnon your brother been with you? Sister, be quiet; he is your brother; do not take the matter to heart!’ Tamar, however, went back to her brother Absalom’s house inconsolable. When King David heard the whole story, he was very angry; but he had no wish to harm his son Amnon, whom he loved because he was his first-born. Absalom, however, would not so much as speak to Amnon, since he hated Amnon for having raped his sister Tamar.” (2 Samuel 13:20-22 NJB)

The mark of shame on the once desirable Tamar became indelible. Her condition in verse 20 has been translated several ways – inconsolable (NJB), desolate (ESV), isolated (NASB), and secluded (AMP). Shame drove Tamar to hide herself – committing a suicide of sorts – wandering like a ghost in Absolom’s home until the end of her life.

As the story progresses through 2 Samuel Chapters 13-18, A “royal mess” ensued. Tamar’s male family members did nothing to help her retrieve wholeness but instead spent their energies on vengeance-murder, deportation, usurpation, humiliation, and mourning what might have been.

Addressing the emotion of shame should be high on our list of spiritual priorities. The devil is primed to take advantage of untended wounds such as Tamar’s. Our enemy can thwart God’s desire to heal and generate ever expanding messes.

Has shame been festering in your life or in the life of someone close? Take a step this week to tackle or continue to address the cause of that shame. To help your thought process, here’s a short perspective on the subject. 10 Things You Should Know about Shame | Crossway Articles

SHAME OR GUILT?2022-03-14T08:27:56-06:00

Naked and Unashamed

Then God said,”Let us make man in our own image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:26-27)

But for Adam, no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep and while he was sleeping, he took one of his ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame. (Genesis 2:20b-25)

Although verse 25 speaks particularly about their physical appearance, I believe it also refers to their relationship with the Lord God and with each other. There is no need to hide their thoughts or be careful of their words because there was nothing that had to be kept secret -– complete transparency.

I wish I didn’t have to drop down half of an inch in my bible from verse 25 to chapter 3, because it would be so grand to believe that Genesis 1 and 2 lasted, but the events in chapter 3 happened and the fallout continues.

I was raised by various relatives, on both sides of my family, who had been brought up under the weight of shame. Not anything specifically bad, but the shame of not measuring up to expectations. Some of it came from parents, some from siblings, and some, sad to say, from their churches. Duty and rules were the measurements of value and approval. I may have missed it, but I don’t remember actually hearing “I love you” from any of those who were directly involved with me.

About 40 years ago, two things happened that helped me get over the “shame” of seeking help to deal with my own fallout from my raising. First, I received some God-inspired wise words from my 13 year old daughter, “Mom, we want to become what you want us to, but it will come from the inside of us or not at all. And you get certain expressions on your face and tones in your voice and we shut you out!” The second was the movie, “ET”, in which I saw myself as that little, abandoned creature who tried so hard to belong. I cried through the whole movie. The next day I scheduled a counseling appointment with one of our pastors. After I told my story, crying most of the way through, the pastor said to me, “Carolyn, what I’m hearing is that to get any kind of love at all, you’ve had to perform more than adequately, and when you got close to succeeding, they changed the bar.” And then he said what I had said to others, but never heard for myself—“You need to remember, Carolyn, that God loves you because he does, no performance required.” That was the start of my healing.”

How about you? Does some part of my story relate in any way with yours? Do you need to hear for yourself that God loves you, no performance required? There is help for you individually and in support groups. Read and soak in 1 John 4:7-21.

Naked and Unashamed2022-03-14T08:25:17-06:00

Playing Hide and Seek

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you. (Psalm 139:7-12 NIV)

Playing hide and seek is one of my granddaughter’s favorite games. She laughs and runs, and is thrilled when she finds me. Her joy is in finding me. After eating the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve covered themselves and hid from God. Genesis 3:9-10 says, but the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” This was no child’s game; they were actually hiding from God. Why? They felt fear and shame because of their nakedness, and guilt for their disobedience.

In I Kings 19, Elijah had just witnessed an incredible victory by God over the prophets of Baal, yet what did he do next?

So Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah to say, “May the gods deal with me, be it ever so severely, if by this time tomorrow I do not make your life like that of one of them.” Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, LORD,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” (I Kings 19:2-4)

Why is Elijah hiding? The text tells us Elijah is afraid.

Let’s look at one more story:

The word of the LORD came to Jonah son of Amittai: “Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.” But Jonah ran away from the LORD and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the LORD. (Jonah 1:1-3)

What do these stories have in common? Hiding from God. Have you ever done that? Are you hiding something from a friend, a spouse, a parent? Could you be hiding something from God right now? Take a close look at Psalm 139. It states in beautiful poetry that running from God is futile because he already knows everything about us. Use Psalm 139 to review with God if you are hiding and need to be found by your loving creator.

Playing Hide and Seek2022-03-14T08:23:10-06:00

How Do You Really Feel | Week 3

Continuing in the Genesis narrative, we uncover the powerful emotion of shame. An emotion that brings about death in ourselves and in our relationships. In Genesis 2:25, we find a young couple standing in the presence of God vulnerable and completely secure – surrounded by love. Only one chapter later, we find this same couple overwhelmed by their vulnerability – terrified and covered up.

According to Dr. Brené Brown, “shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

The result of the Fall brings about the voice of shame whispering inside of all of us, “I’m bad and cannot stand to be in the presence of a holy God.”

But God goes out of his way to remind us, “My name is Love.” He shows up on the scene extending safety in his presence even with his parental consequences for sin.

Only in the presence of a loving God, can shame be healed. Even scientists today prove love mends shame. With Christ, we learn the voice of true love and belonging. We can bask in his love. Tuning in to hear his voice will be key to changing our inner emotional narratives and healing deeply rooted shame.

  1. Get Honest … When in your life have you felt vulnerable and ashamed? What messages did you hear? How did you return to the voice of love?
  2. Change Mind … Listen for what Jesus wants to say about your experience of shame.
  3. Walk Anew … What invitation does Jesus have for you when it comes to shame?

Emotionally Healthy Relationship Class — Sunday, March 20 at 10:30am
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How Do You Really Feel | Week 32022-03-14T03:27:59-06:00

Holy Discontent

Discontent is a feeling of not being satisfied or a desire for something else (Webster’s Dictionary). It seems worth exploring ‘Holy Discontent’ – discontent from a Biblical perspective.

Those centered on pleasing Jesus would likely say Holy Discontent is well expressed in Scripture. Holy Discontent falls into several categories. First, the deterioration of the earth really bugs everybody, but especially those who know why it happened and God’s solution:

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. (Romans 8:18-21 NIV)

The rest of this passage in Romans explains another category: we are ready to get out of this mess and get a new body – the one that will never be injured, get sick, get old or die (can you tell I’m tired of going to physical therapy?).

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (Romans 8:22-25 NIV)

From the very beginning, disobedient humans profoundly irritated God, and since those who belong to Jesus have His heart, it gets under our skin as well:

The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled. So the Lord said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.” (Genesis 5:5-7)

As we read on in Genesis, we know God left a few who listened to Him and left some animals as well. He is long suffering with those who incline their hearts to Him.

Jumping to the New Testament, another aspect of Holy Discontent is voiced. Though the Apostle Paul expresses his desire to stick around and build Christ’s kingdom, he also expresses discontent with remaining on this damaged planet:

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. (Philippians 1:21-24 NIV)

That’s not everything that stirred up Holy Discontent in Paul. He expressed frustration with continued childish immaturity of those he had guided into the Kingdom:

Oh, my dear children, I feel the pangs of childbirth all over again till Christ be formed within you, and how I long to be with you now! Perhaps I could then alter my tone to suit your mood. As it is, I honestly don’t know how to deal with you. (Galatians 4:19-20 Phillips)

What is an antidote for this Holy Discontent? Here’s what those who love the God of the Bible have relied upon for centuries:

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. (Hebrews 11:1-2 NIV)

We can also refresh our outlook by enjoying remnants of beauty that emanate from a now fractured world created by our magnificent God. When you watch this scene from the movie “Shawshank Redemption”, marvel how the uncanny power of a beautiful operatic performance even loosens the hardness of prisoners enveloped by malfunctioning humanity. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azWVPWGUE1M

Holy Discontent2022-03-08T21:35:18-07:00

Learning To Be Content

…I have learned how to be content [and self-sufficient through Christ, satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or uneasy] regardless of my circumstances. I know how to get along and live humbly [in difficult times], and I also know how to enjoy abundance and live in prosperity. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret [of facing life], whether well-fed or going hungry, whether having an abundance or being in need. I can do all things [which He has called me to do] through Him who strengthens and empowers me [to fulfill His purpose – I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.] (Philippians 4:11b-13 The Amplified Bible)

Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:4-7 NIV)

Paul’s words, “I have learned to be content” had locked themselves in my mind 40 years ago. As I’ve pondered his words and read lists of the different circumstances that he lived through before he wrote the letter to the Philippians, I am in awe that he could say that. Especially, since in Acts 9:15 Jesus tells Ananias that, “I will show him, Saul (Paul) how much he must suffer for my name.” So Paul not only experienced suffering as it came; he was shown beforehand what to expect.

While “I have learned” appears as a past tense and gives the impression that he has mastered , “contentment/sufficiency in Christ”, what I see is that for him it is: I have, I am, and I will be continuing to learn to be content as I am strengthened in Christ.

So, how about me? How can I learn to be content in the needs, desires, and circumstances of my life? I find encouragement in Apostle Paul’s message, “Not that I’ve already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.” (Philippians 3:12). Jesus’ call on my life is simply to follow him!

For a long time, one of my favorite scriptures has been Psalm 37:4, “Delight yourself also in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart”. Over the years I have come to realize that if I am delighting in the Lord, the Lord IS the desire of my heart! Then I begin to learn and live into the desires of his heart.

Each morning, along with the Lord’s prayer, I sing a little prayer that came from Richard of Chichester in the thirteenth century. “Day by day, day by day, O, dear Lord three things I pray: To see thee more clearly; Love thee more dearly; Follow thee more nearly, Day by day,

What about you? What can you do to learn to be content in Christ’s sufficiency in your daily life? Take some time and read Paul’s letter to the Philippians. Write down what you see as encouragement from Paul’s life to yours in learning how to be content.

Learning To Be Content2022-03-08T21:32:24-07:00

Is Desire Evil?

Many Christians believe that desires are dangerous. After all, it is our desires that lead us into sin. Things like lust and materialism are such everyday struggles in our day. It’s not just Christians that feel this way; the danger of desire is at the core of Buddhism. The question for us is, are desires evil by nature? Did desires exist before humans committed the first sin (fall of man)? The easy answer is, of course, desires existed before the fall of man. If it hadn’t been for desire, Adam and Eve would have never been tempted in the first place. Maybe a more important question is why did God make us with the capacity to desire?

In our western evangelical mind, we often think of the Garden of Eden as being perfect. We believe Adam and Eve didn’t need anything and could have lived there forever if it hadn’t been for their sin. That may be a common thought, but it is not what the Hebrew author of Genesis intended to communicate. To an ancient Hebrew mind, the idea of perfection was different. It might be more accurate to say that the Garden of Eden had perfect potential.

Remember God gave humanity a task to “Be fruitful and Multiply and fill the earth.” God wanted humans to cultivate the world. The Garden of Eden may have been beautiful, but the rest of the world was wild and untamed. So how does all this relate to desire?

Desires move us forward; they get us out of bed and cause us to take action in this world. Bringing God’s goodness to the world requires quite a bit of desire to achieve. God made us in his image, including a deep-seated ability to desire order in chaos, beauty, and goodness. So what does all this mean for us today? Perhaps a quote from C.S. Lewis can help us.

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” – C.S. Lewis

Desires are not the problem; it is disordered unexamined desires that are dangerous to us and the world. One way to practice ordering your desires is through spiritual practice – like fasting. Fasting requires your mind and soul to say no to a very base desire to eat. It’s a way to tell your body, “not every desire must be acted upon.” The self-control that fasting strengthens helps you to reorient your desires towards what is your deepest longing.

Is Desire Evil?2022-03-08T21:30:16-07:00

Desire and Anticipation

And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. (Ecclesiastes 4:4 NIV)

Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly. A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. (Proverbs 14:29-30 NIV)

He went on: “What comes out of a person is what defiles them. For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.” (Mark 7:14-15 NIV)

The story of Adam and Eve, and the serpent in Genesis 3:1-6, and the story of David and Bathsheba in II Samuel 11:1-17 are clear examples of how emotions can lead us down a destructive path. With Adam and Eve, it started with them listening to the crafty lies of the serpent, then seeing the fruit, anticipating how it might taste, and desiring the wisdom and the power it might give them. In David’s story, he is not with his army as a king should be, he is not with the Ark of the covenant, but instead he is home, at leisure, on his rooftop and sees a beautiful woman. Next, David sends servants to learn about her, and once he knows she is the wife of Uriah – a member of his elite guard – he then sends for her to come to him and commits adultery with her, resulting in her pregnancy.

In both stories, Adam and Eve, David and Bathsheba did not sin immediately. Instead, the scriptures show us a progression that can start with the emotion of desire or anticipation – after seeing something we would like to possess for ourselves that either belongs to another, or that we have been forbidden to have. James 1:13-15 says, “when tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”

Desire and anticipation are not evil or bad emotions, but we can anticipate and desire money, people, clothing, cars, food, or relationships that belong to other people – this is envy. James talks of a progression that starts with desire or anticipation. Last week Alex talked about a way to find a proper perspective when our emotions are strong or overwhelming. That phrase was “to find perspective, practice the pause and in the pause to pray”.

If Adam and Eve had paused and prayed the outcome might have been different. If David had paused and prayed perhaps he could have prevented much of the family discord among his children in the future. Read Psalm 4 and pause, contemplate, pray over what you read each time you see the word Selah. This week see if you can pause and pray to gain perspective.

Desire and Anticipation2022-03-08T10:40:29-07:00

How Do You Really Feel | Week 2

Humans are born with desire. The reason we all carry strong feelings of wanting or wishing is because of another word – need. We all know the feeling of desire and longing because we all have real needs. As infants, we wake up in a world filled with need – we cry out for nourishment, safety, security, affection, the list goes on.

If desire is a seed, emotion is its fruit.

Looking at the fruit of our emotions, we can trace every emotion down to its seed of desire – whether satisfied or unsatisfied. The trouble is that both desire and emotion can deceive us. Just like in the garden of Eden where Adam and Eve were deceived by their misguided desire, we, too, are deceived by seeds of misguided desires and end up wallowing in shadowed and undesired emotional fruit.

This week, we’re diving into the Genesis 3 narrative to see how needs, desires, and emotions show off their ‘shadow’ side when sin enters the story. Now, we live in a world where we have God-given needs, yet even desire deceives.

Therefore, as followers of Jesus learning to walk in his way, we must find safe spaces to process our emotion and be able to re-ground ourselves in truth.

  1. Get Honest … Where is your safe space to process your emotions? Are you able to process emotions or do you tend to explode or suppress? What helps you come back to truth?
  2. Change Mind … Listen for what Jesus wants to say to you about how to process your emotion.
  3. Walk Anew … What step might help you move toward processing your emotions instead of exploding or suppressing?

If you’re looking to take the next step toward finding a safe space to process your emotions or life challenges, use this link and fill out the form online to meet with someone from our pastoral care team.

How Do You Really Feel | Week 22022-03-08T21:35:43-07:00
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