Shame hounded me for most of my life, but I’ve been set free.
Journal entry– June 1, 2024:
“In his message today, Alex said being transformed by the Holy Spirit was a metamorphosis. After the service I asked Tami, who led the divorce recovery group, to pray with me for transformation.”
(Later that day I went to the library; a book by Brene Brown, The Atlas of the Heart, caught my eye. A compendium of emotions, the book names and describes feelings. I read it straight though.)
“I notice groups of negative emotions that I’ve been stuck in. In spite of my best efforts, [s]olutions have often been variations of a previous mistake and I’ve gotten sucked into cycles of frustration and hopelessness.“
“At the same time, I can see I’ve learned and grown over time. My prayers, often so desperate, have been heard.”
“In particular, I notice how much shame I’ve felt. When I was a child, my bids for love weren’t valued. I realize I adopted a permanent sense of shame as a warped kind of defense. Rather than let others reject me, I wore my shame, hid myself in it. Shame led to fear when I tried to connect with potential friends and partners — even when, and maybe especially when, I was on the verge of success. I’d unconsciously seek out men who were critical, cold, and controlling. I’d sacrifice to help anyone but wouldn’t let myself accept care. When someone kind got close, it was like a magnet in me turned the wrong way, and I’d run and hide. I feared what I most desired — love and connection. I built a fortress to protect myself. It became my prison.”
It’s a relief to realize why I felt so isolated, outside of love and concern, even as I tried to show kindness and care to others. My way of connecting kept others at arm’s length.
A few days later:
“I asked the Holy Spirit to help me grieve. I don’t know why this came to mind, but it seemed necessary. The Holy Spirit led me through chapters in my past, one after another, and I was immersed in what I had experienced and [how I] could feel sorrow at the awful situations I had lived through. Something shifted. I could feel sadness and compassion for my younger self. I didn’t hide in shame or numbness.”
“I realize [that] the shame and self isolation that once imprisoned me can themselves be locked away in the past, and I can be safe, able to both give and accept love. The Holy Spirit has taken away so much of my shame, and God will continue to be faithful.”
I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles. Psalm 34:4-6
New Every Morning – Audrey Assad
by Sherry Sommer
