My mom used to love to watch ‘I Love Lucy.’ I can remember watching with her as a kid; usually in the morning before we would head off to the beach. There are a few scenes from that show that are classic and have stuck with me over the years. This is one of them…
I think the reason I thought of that scene is because it looks eerily similar to the way my life feels right now. I’m sure you have all been there before. That feeling of falling further and further behind… financially, relationally, spiritually, and physically. It’s that inner sense that the walls seem to be creeping in and there doesn’t seem to be anything you can do about it.
Last night I cracked when we were driving home from visiting my mom. She’s getting worse and I’m starting to get bitter (or cynical, I’m not sure which one). There is still no diagnosis and the speed of her demise seems to be accelerating; and there is nothing we, or any doctor in the world, can do about it. My aunt and uncle are out right now to visit which we are so grateful for, but the impression of someone who hasn’t been around let’s you know just how far things have slipped. She has a brain biopsy scheduled for May 10th, but the doctors have been very up front and told us that there is only a 50% chance that they will find anything out from the biopsy. Not exactly the odds I’d want if someone was drilling a hole in my head and taking part of my brain out.
So, I feel a little bit like the (I Love Lucy) scene above. I feel like part of my life is slipping through my hands and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s zapping much of my emotionally energy and causing me to feel like I’m compromising (that’s a tame way of saying ‘failing’) as a father, husband, and pastor. I so badly want to hit pause… or better yet, rewind; but we all know that isn’t possible.
But God gave me a gift as I drove over to study this afternoon. I got in my car just broken and he whispered, “Be still and know that I am God.” (Ps 46:10) Can I tell you why that was such a gift to me? He was reminding me that even though it feels like life is flying by and some of the things I love are slipping through my hands and I feel like things are out of control… he was simply reminding me that he doesn’t feel that way. He reminded me that he never has felt that way, and he never will. He reminded me that when I try to play God, I’m exhausted because I was never intended to play that role; he has it covered.
So, for just a few moments before I crack open my books, I’m taking time to worship and remember that He is good and that He is God… and that I am not. I sense my pulse slowing down a bit and the tension in my chest releasing a bit. I wonder who else needs the same reminder today?