I doubt this will come as a shock to anyone, but pastors have doubts and fears too. The human soul (my soul) is such a fragile needy part of us. Our souls long for alignment with God’s good kingdom, alignment with Him. What is God’s kingdom? God’s kingdom is the “range of his effective will (Dallas Willard).” If you want to know what it is like, you can read about Jesus in the gospels. Jesus’ ministry on earth was designed to show us what God’s kingdom is like. It is a kingdom of mercy, righteousness, self sacrifice, love, and it is the only kingdom where a soul can truly thrive.
This week I found myself misaligned with God’s kingdom and my soul was hurting. Sin is what misaligns souls. I’m not talking just about obvious sins like adultery, murder, and theft, which misalign us as well: I’m talking about anything that takes place of God. Sometimes it’s hard to determine if something is a sin. I guess one of the best ways to figure out the answer is to ask, does this draw me closer to Jesus or not? So what was my sin? I’d simply not given my soul sufficient opportunity to see Jesus. I had replaced far to many of my usual times of prayer and worship with doing things for God (as if he needed it). You see, sin isn’t just bad because it hurts God, it’s bad because it hurts us. Frankly, one of the reasons God hates sin is because it hurts us.
As I walk with Jesus, I’m beginning to feel the effects of walking away from Him more deeply. For me, I find fears and doubts creep into my thoughts. I find my mind get’s dull. I literally feel dumber. As I approached a weekend where I was supposed to lead God’s church in worship, I felt empty and inadequate. One of the coolest parts about God and his kingdom is that when we step back in alignment we find ourselves in a kingdom of mercy. I began to pray, read the psalms, and beg God to remind me who I am because of Him. Honestly, it didn’t feel like much was happening at first, but it was. My soul slowly began to realign. God’s word and worship was like a soul chiropractor.
I woke up this morning with a notification on my Fighter Verse App with this verse: “I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the LORD helped me (Psalm 118:13).” Oh how true that verse was for me this week! I sat down this morning wanting to meditate on it and God’s faithfulness to “help me.” This little poem is what came out.
Today I hope, for your sake, that you will find time to align with God’s beautiful kingdom.
Crying To You I Run
In the throng of doubts and fears
crying to You I run
When my weakness bright appears
crying to You I run
When I have neglected you
crying to You I run
And my soul is wavering
crying to You I run
Faithful are you in this hour
when crying to You I run
You were present all along
when crying to You I run
Reminding me again your love
when crying to You I run
Your love so strong it changes me
when crying to You I run
Oh how sweet to be with you
when crying to You I run
God hold fast my simple soul
when crying to You I run
Praises on my lips now ring
I cry to You my God
For your goodness overwhelms
I cry to You my God
Let the world know in you is hope
I cry to You my God
Reveal more daily your reigning good
I cry to You my God
My soul and others need your reign
I cry to You my God
Reign in me today sweet Lord
I cry to You my God
You are good, oh so good
I cry to You my God
