All I Am

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The work of Jesus frees us to wrestle honestly with God and walk confidently in his world! – Ryan Paulson

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32 Therefore to this day the people of Israel do not eat the sinew of the thigh that is on the hip socket, because he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip on the sinew of the thigh. – Genesis 32:32

Ask anyone about a scar and there’s bound to be a startling, horrific or humorous tale. Even if it’s not an epic story, scars are memory triggers because they remind us of moments where we were once wounded or where paths changed. Every once in a while, we may sit back and notice these scars begin to itch, or perhaps we happen to run our fingers over them, and recall how they came to be. Every scar tells a story.

The Apostle Paul carried a scar – a thorn in his flesh – as he called it. When He asked God to remove it, God refused. You see, God often gives his people physical symbols to trigger their memories. God asks the Israelites to set up monuments, memorials, festivals and circumcision. Later, God invites believers to participate in the physical symbols of baptism and communion. Even Jesus keeps his scars as a mark of his sacrifice and uses them to authenticate what happened during his darkest hour.

Jacob comes away from his encounter with God changed. He walks out of his struggle with a scar – a limp. We, too, carry marks of our past and as we run this journey, each scar becomes a part of the story. As Steffany Gretzinger puts it, “And oh as you run, what hindered love will only become part of the story.” Listen to her song, “Out of Hiding” and thank God for the scars you carry as a part of God’s story in your life.

 

“Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,
for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself,
there was given me a thorn in the flesh,
a messenger of Satan to torment me
to keep me from exalting myself!
Concerning this I implored the Lord three times
that it might leave me. And He has said to me,
“My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.”
Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses,
so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.”
— 2 Corinthians 12:7–9

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By Yvonne Biel 

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Sometimes the most intimates of moments we have with God are during dark nights of the soul. But when daybreak comes, we can’t remain there. 

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30 So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel, saying, “For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered.” 31 The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the people of Israel do not eat the sinew of the thigh that is on the hip socket, because he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip on the sinew of the thigh. – Genesis 32:30-32

It’s no coincidence Jacob was wrestling during the night. Many struggles reside in darkness – tucked neatly away and hidden from the light. You’ve heard it said, “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” This was true for Jacob as God met him in the darkest of nights and persisted with him until daybreak.

With the dawning of a new day came the dawning of a new walk. At break of day, it was time for Jacob to stop wrestling and get up from dark night of his struggle. So, Jacob got up, limping because of his hip, but he got up. After the long night where God turned his stubborn temper tantrum into a fierce embrace, Jacob gets up. He steps into the reality of a new day with a new name – Israel – describing his victorious breakthrough.

Sometimes the most intimate moments we have with God are during dark nights of the soul. But when daybreak comes, we can’t remain there. We have to get up and live into the new day God has awakened for us. Just as Jacob did not continue to wrestle with God and Jesus did not remain in the grave, so we must rise up with the same resurrection power and embrace the newness God offers us. Consider what the break of day entails for you. Journal for a few minutes about what living under the banner of victorious breakthrough might look like in your life.

 

“The God of Israel said,
The Rock of Israel spoke to me,
‘He who rules over men righteously,
Who rules in the fear of God,
Is as the light of the morning when the sun rises,
A morning without clouds,
When the tender grass springs out of the earth,
Through sunshine after rain.’”
— 2 Samuel 23:3–4 NASB

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By Yvonne Biel 

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Jacob had to fully accept his sinful self in order to fully receive his new identity. 

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26 Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” 27 And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” 28 Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” 29 Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him. – Genesis 32:26-29

“What’s in a name?” The classic quote by William Shakespeare is a great question to ponder because just as the word ‘rose’ carries with it a sweet scent, so Jacob’s name carries cold-hearted deception. Looking back, we notice how Jacob’s name was a self-fulfilling prophecy as he deceives his father into giving him his brother’s birthright (Genesis 27), tricks his uncle with a breeding scheme (Genesis 30-31) and plans an elaborate display to win the forgiveness of his brother (Genesis 32).

Twice Jacob was asked, “What is your name?” – once by his father when he answers, “Esau” (Genesis 27:18-19) and once by his wrestling opponent. During that night of struggle, Jacob finally comes to terms with his true self. He finally admits it. He recognizes himself as ‘Jacob’ and confesses it to God. It’s as if he says, “Yes, I am Deceiver. I’ve done my share of deceiving and I realize I’m the one who’s been deceived. I’m stuck and I’m ready to accept God’s help.”

Jacob had to fully accept his sinful self in order to fully receive his new identity. This is true for us, too. Like Jacob, we cannot live under deception anymore. We are not the person we wish to be. We must willingly accept every part of ourselves – including our sin and brokenness, including our failings and shortcomings – because this is our true self. Yet, like Jacob, we’ve been offered a new name and with it a new identity. Read Ephesians 1 and choose to meditate on one of the following words: holy, blameless, adopted, redeemed. Think about how you might “put on” this word as part of your new identity in Christ Jesus today.

 

“and [you] have put on the new self
who is being renewed to a true knowledge
according to the image of the One
who created him”
—Colossians 3:10 NASB

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By Yvonne Biel 

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Wrestling with God is essential to walking with God! – Ryan Paulson

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24 And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. 25 When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. – Genesis 32:24-25 

Wrestling is always an exercise of strength against strength. It can’t be done without gripping one’s opponent and using closeness to one’s advantage. Strategies to improve one’s chance of winning include pressing certain nerve endings, twisting previously injured joints, or concentrating on one particular joint where continuing would cause injury. In today’s passage, Jacob is wrestling a ‘man’ who uses such quantity of strength to cause Jacob’s hip to be put ‘out of joint,’ but ironically this doesn’t diminish the struggle, as it should have. With his hip out of joint, Jacob begins to cling to the ‘man’ until the man asks Jacob to release him.

In Psalms 22, we find David grappling with God in prayer. David feels God has abandoned him and as if his bones are ‘out of joint.’ As he recalls previous times when God answered the prayers of his people and saved him from dire circumstances, he describes his anguish in God’s present silence. He begs to hear God’s voice again.

Perhaps you’ve felt this way – you’ve done what you believe necessary to receive God’s answer only to hear crickets. Like David, you’ve begged and pleaded for God’s help. Then, when the wrestling match of that particular life event or an inner struggle was over, you, like Jacob and David, found yourself panting for breath, locked in God’s embrace. For a time, life seems ‘out of joint,’ but the result is true intimacy with God if you let him close. Read Psalm 22 and write out your own Psalm recounting in honest detail your heart’s struggle. At the end, don’t tap out, simply cling.

 

“I am poured out like water,
And all my bones are out of joint;
My heart is like wax;
It is melted within me.” — Psalm 22:14 NASB

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By Rich Obrecht 

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 God invites you into honesty and desires to join you in your struggle.

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22 The same night he arose and took his two wives, his two female servants, and his eleven children, and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 He took them and sent them across the stream, and everything else that he had. 24 And Jacob was left alone. – Genesis 32:22-24

Jacob’s life is all packed up. He sends everything on ahead and lingers behind. For a moment, he’s left alone. Perhaps with his family on the other side of the river, he could finally gather his thoughts as he prepares to meet his brother. With no distractions and nothing to hide behind anymore, he takes a deep breath and exhales. His eyes close slowly. It’s just him– and the silence. The anxiety is now palpable.

Left alone, Jacob is stripped down to silence and forced to face up to what’s really in his heart – fear. He’s been working so hard to hold his life together and figure out a plan to win his brother’s acceptance that he hasn’t truly faced up to his unshakable longing or his fear. Without realizing it, he’s been refusing to let God into the struggle, until now.

We, like Jacob, often focus on holding our lives together and making sure others don’t see what’s really going on. We fill our lives to the brim to avoid the silence because we don’t want to face reality welling up inside. Today, God invites you into honesty and desires to join you in your struggle. So don’t put it off any longer. Take at least five minutes today to remove all distractions and find a quiet place to be left alone with God. Simply note what thoughts and emotions arise.

 

Tremble, and do not sin;
Meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still.
— Psalm 4:4 NASB

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By Yvonne Biel 

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